walk around in a daze...
 Monday, 14-Dec-98 17:39:57 writes:

      Walking around in a daze is how it all felt...

      It seemed like any other night, and I was running late...but when i got there, something didn't
      seem right. I spotted Billy down the street and when he saw me he came running, and I
      thought to my self, what's he up to now? But the look on his face wasn't the same...and
      what he whispered into my ear...

      'Are you okay?'...that is all I kept hearing, everyone was there now. I couldn't even feel
      myself walking but I managed to go up on the roof of the pizzaria with Billy where some
      other friends were sittin' there...total maddness

      I saw my sister...she had just found out. I saw the tears building up in her eyes but mine
      were held back, I couldn't say a word...

      I found myself walking around aimlessly that night along with the rest, not knowing what to
      do, where to go...then a few of us, his closest, crashed at a friend's house...need some
      novicane for my soul...I wish it was a bad dream.

      It was such a blow to just be there...the was lump in my throat and it made it hard to
      swallow, still no tears...everyone was there, mourning the loss of a young and beautiful
      soul...one whose life was taken from him, from all of us. And I sat there on the grass I saw
      that the line to go in came out passed the doors of the funeral home...and I want to go in, to
      see his face one last time...but I'm afraid of how it'll be. So I got up and stood, but I couldn't
      bring myself to go past those doors...I'll have to try again tomorrow...

      God help me get thru this...again I find myself in line the next day even though it all feels like
      just one long day. And I can feel my legs getting weak from lack of rest as I move into the
      room where he lays...see his family, his two olders sisters and his mom, their eyes look raw
      from all their cries, I can't even imagine how devistating it must be, her little boy... As I near
      the box, I grip his favorite green bandana that he wore all the time...it smells like him...and
      kristina, Chris and I kneel in front of the dead body of our friend...

      Words cannot explain the feelings...as I looked upon my friend Erik in his eternal
      sleep...'wake up peaches, wake up'...my head down feel like hell. I started talking to him in
      my head and wondered if he can hear me, he looks so peaceful...touch his hand and it is
      cold, his face is cold...and I remember once when I rested my head on his chest and I heard
      his heart beating...other memories rush, all of the silly things, the little things that mean so
      much. I told him once he was my dumptruck and alls he did was smile...

      And what tortures me the most is when I think of how he must have felt as the tide pulled
      him under, and his cries for help were for a moment too much taken as a joke...the agony of
      knowing that you are going to drown theres nothing you or anyone can do..."whenever I die,
      I wanna die in my sleep, ya know, no pain involved"...but it wasn't so.

      The day of the mass was an addition of the blur engraved in my soul...I was there but my
      mind was not, this has to be a bad dream, but when will i wake up...